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Teatotaller Tea: Carrot Cake

Carrot Cake

Rooibos • Carrots • Almonds • Nutmeg • Cinnamon

Last Thursday, police responded to an anonymous caller claiming that the greatest smell on earth was wafting out of a small door at the base of tree stump #47. Upon arriving at the scene the officers entered the home and immediately noticed a small and frenetic white rabbit, toiling over a table of bubbling vials and smoking test tubes. This individual has been identified as notorious mad scientist, Dr. Fuzzy Buns, who spent decades trying to develop the ultimate carrot treat, leaving a trail of delicacies in his wake.

Teatotaller Tea: Royal Panther

Royal Panther

Assam • Cacao • Mint

Once the heiress to a vast fortune, Sheila von Night now lives alone in her crumbling castle on the New Jersey Palisades. Secluded for years from humanity, she has taken on the appearance of large cat, living nocturnally and spending most of her days in the tallest turret of Midnight Manor, staring across the Hudson at Manhattan, chain smoking. Profoundly delusional, she began wearing a crown many years ago and refers to herself as Queen of Dusk and Dawn.

Green Dreams

Sencha • Rose • Strawberries

Who lives in a strawberry sipping his tea? Three-eyed Alien Bill! Agoraphobic and green-skinned is he! Three-eyed Alien Bill! If roses and green tea be something you like! Three-eyed Alien Bill! Come to our tea house by car or by bike! Three-eyed Alien Bill!


Rooibos • Cacao • Clove

There have been many improvements to the theme park over the years, but by far the best new attraction at Jurassic Park XVIII is the adorable and elusive Lucasaurus. Though rarely sighted, this cuddly carnivore is well worth the wait.One look at a human face has the Lucasaurus in a fit of giggles that can only be calmed by a prompt feeding–usually of a pastry or sweet, lowered by crane into his enclosure.

The Berlin Breeze

Cult musical by serially underappreciated younger brother, Brody Sondheim, tells the age old story of a former paper pulp mill town turned home to a state correctional facility. It’s Footloose meets West Side Story. The mayor’s son falls in love with the daughter of a French-Canadian farmer and together they must cope with economic and cultural transformation. Heartwarming and laugh-out-loud funny.

Red Bush


Former Adult-squirrel film star, Red Bush, is proud of her previous career and excited for this new chapter as tea blend spokeswoman. Says Ms. Bush, “As you may know, tail and ear play are the hallmarks of the adult-squirrel film industry. I was lucky to be blessed with silky locks of a vibrant auburn hue and used that to my advantage as I navigated many complex roles including those of Six-nipple Scarlet and Sandy Bum-cheeks. I’m excited to bring my experience and natural charisma to the tea industry.” Ms. Bush is featured on all packaging for the titular tea blend, Red Bush, from Teatotaller Tea House.

The Candy Bar Alliance

Assam • Cacao • Coconut • Almond • Vanilla Pod • Vanilla

This is your mission, should you choose to accept it. The day has finally arrived, a day unlike any other, when you, Earth’s tastiest, most chocolaty, toasted coconut-filled, heroes find yourselves at last united against a common enemy. On this day, The Candy Bar Alliance is born. Alone you are weak, delicious for a moment only. Together you are a rich and complex array of flavors, capable of tantalizing even the most demanding palate. The Candy Bar Alliance is humanity’s last hope! You are the only ones able to defeat the impending floods of warm, flavorless water, and the coming plague of runny noses and numbed taste buds! Candy Bars Assemble!

Lady J.

Sencha • Jasmine • Vanilla Pod • Vanilla

Historians don’t like to dwell on the underground drug ring operating in the Tudor court of Henry VIII. Led by his third wife, Jane Seymour, codename, Lady J., these smugglers and dealers were the secret force behind many of the most important political events of the early sixteenth century, including the beheading of Anne Boleyn, Lady J.’s second cousin. Vast quantities of controlled substances were funneled through the shell corporation, Tudor Tea Time, anonymously operated by Lady J. and her cohort. To most people, Jane Seymour was simply a sweet young lady with delicious tea. Little did they know what made it so good…

Not Absinthe

Lapsang Souchong • English Breakfast • Star Anise

One sip of this not absinthe tea will transport you back to the Paris of Toulouse-Lautrec. Walk the winding alleys of Montmartre at night and wander into the Moulin Rouge. Pass the elephant in the garden and watch la Goulue dance the Can-can. Lose yourself as Aristide Bruant sings a song, half hidden beneath his black hat and black cape. Later, those same performers who grace the stage at the Moulin Rouge can be found at the Chat Noir, this time as patrons in the crowd, enjoying a drink. Maybe you run into Maurice Utrillo, Pablo Picasso, or Amedeo Modigliani, as they too walk the streets, searching for company, love, ideas, sex, meaning, and purpose. All of this lies at the bottom of your cup of not absinthe tea.

Breakfast in Ceylon


Larry the loris wakes up every day from an enchanted slumber in his favorite tree. He slowly opens his big beautiful eyes and crinkles them in a smile. He adoringly gazes upon his baby lorises, still asleep in their leafy beds. Before heading out for breakfast, he quickly licks the insides of their elbows in order to activate their brachial glands from which they secrete a mild allergen which will protect them from predators while he’s away. He heads out into through the branches, eating assorted insects and small lizards, as well as sticky tree gums and fruit, enjoying a balanced meal on the move. It’s another day, and another breakfast, in Ceylon.

40 Year Romance

Assam • Cinnamon • Coriander • Cardamom • Clove • Ginger • Sugar Hearts • Caramel

Free love. Non-violence. Peace. Justice. Marijuana and psychedelics. Love. Let’s change the world. Just two young people discovering consciousness and searching for purpose. They looked at their world and saw inequality and oppression. They saw discrimination and exploitation, violence and fear. And then, for the first time, they saw each other, and saw love and hope. A bond was formed, an intimate and private alliance whose light has shone on the world for forty years. Together, in love, with flowers in their hair and the people’s power in their hearts, they non-violently fight for peace and justice, engage their community, and love their fellow men. Hope for a world transformed is alive and thriving in the powerful bond of their 40 year romance.

Love at First Flush

1st Flush Darjeeling

Vanylla Grey

Earl Grey • Vanilla Pod • Vanilla

The year is 1786. Charles Grey, the second Earl Grey has just been elected to Parliament at only 22 years old. The statuesque bachelor adheres to the timeless adage, work hard, party harder. In the early morning hours of pre-industrial London, Grey develops his most noteworthy contribution to British culture: his drag persona, Vanylla Grey. Sassy and fierce, Vanylla struts her stuff through the many taverns and clubs that dot the cramped city streets. Proud and confident, she rejects the body-shaming sexual repression of 17th century etiquette and boldly stands up for beauty and love in all its forms.

White Rose

Kenyan Pai Mu Tan • Rose

The popular image of purity is besmirched by its own sanctimony, by the dark cloud of the puritanical. But true purity and innocence must be flawed, just as the rose has thorns. Man must not dwell on the shame of the expulsion from the Garden of Eden but instead accept its legacy and learn from its lessons. To defeat the sources of great misery, misery must be acknowledged and faced. So sayeth the White Rose.


Assam • Cinnamon • Coriander • Ginger • Cardamom • Black Pepper • Clove

Like her predecessors, Consuelo Vanderbilt, Brenda Frazier, and Jacqueline Bouvier (later Kennedy), our favorite debutante is a trendsetter and fashion icon. But this is no future housewife, pawn of the patriarchy. This 21st century deb is an intellectual, Latin-speaking powerhouse, a banjo-playing artist and performer, ready to make her mark on the world. Her life is an epic celebration of womanhood, gender equality, body-positivity, self-expression, and of course, killer dance moves.


Rooibos • Lemon Verbena • Orange Peel • Boysenberries • Raspberries • Strawberries

The Neoteric Age has been lost in the ocean of time. Few recognize the legacy of an era that bears so little resemblance to anything before or since. In the early Pleistocene epoch, at the dawn of human life, a civilization developed that actively celebrated the newness of consciousness and the miracle of conscious movement and action. This veneration was expressed through dance and dance was the only language known. Incredible and rigid control of the body was combined with frenzied and abandoned motion, resulting in depth of meaning lost in audible or written language. Those who continue to practice the art of the Neoteric reveal the elusive intersection of instinct and intention, the true goal of dance.